Starbucks reveals controversial new holiday beverage and food lineup
White women across the globe felt a twinge in their sacral chakras today as the purveyors of glorified milkshakes and burnt coffee announced the upcoming holiday beverage lineup, and it's not at all what they were expecting.
The coziest time of the year has become synonymous with Pumpkin Spice and Peppermint Mocha, with new flavors tested annually to see just how much deeper the world can sink in terms of flavor combinations that have been beaten to death.
Starbucks revealed its list of upcoming offerings late Tuesday, and backlash is sure to be (cold) brewing. In a most controversial move, the coffee giants have decided to not bring back beloved Peppermint Mocha, but under threat of being stampeded by a herd of 5'3 women wearing Uggs, they reversed their decision to do away with the Pumpkin Spice Latte.
Beginning November 3rd, customers looking for a very specific kind of thirst trap can enjoy the new Spotted Dick Mocha. A suet-based cake flavor, the drink is topped off with a load of hot, creamy custard and two wrinkled, dark raisins for a modern take on the traditional English classic. It can be ordered hot or cold, but it appears a little smaller when ordered cold.
Vegans and the lactose intolerant can still get in on the holiday spirit with the latest dairy-free offering, the Hardtack Oatmilk Latte, reminiscent of the miserable existence soldiers endured having to eat dried, flavorless biscuits while putting their lives on the line for their country. Akin to the suffering of people that consciously deprive themselves of joy as well as those cursed to have a digestive system that betrays them at every turn – the Hardtack Oatmilk Latte is sure to bring a dull twinkle to even the most bland of customers' eyes.
Those looking for a high-calorie bucket of ice to get them through the misery of being alone again for the holidays can sample one of three new Frappuccinos: White Chocolate Ham & Cloves Créme, Salted Latke with Cinnamon Applesauce Drizzle, and Tazo Green Bean Frappuccino with Crispy Onion Crunch.
For customers seeking a snack with their beverage, Starbucks will offer a new Stale Fruitcake Cake Pop which is decorated with a depressed child's face, as well as Turkey and Stuffing Blondies and the Feast of Seven Fishes Croissant, which absolutely contains seven fishes.
When asked whether or not the holiday cup design would also be controversial, a representative for Starbucks stared straight into our eyes and coldly requested that we not speak of it again before running off the stage and shielding his eyes from cameras.
