Inside the dark, slightly raw underbelly of the Crumbl Cookies empire
Lines twenty, thirty deep crowd the strip mall – each time someone leaves, another two appear. Glazed-eyed customers, lips chapped from the constant licking as they anticipate their next fix, chatter amongst themselves about flavors they miss, rumors they've heard about next week's offerings, and friends they've lost along the way.
We are of course talking about the second cult to come out of the great state of Utah, Crumbl Cookies. The chain bakery that offers a rotating selection of large, fresh baked cookies opened in 2017, but surged in popularity in Q1 2022. Google Trends revealed it only just hit peak popularity in late August. The fast-growing empire isn't all milk, cookies, and smiles though. It's also a sordid tale of death, addiction, and too much baking powder.
"We know three people that have lost their lives so far," says Emmitt Barclay of Winchester, VA. "In an attempt to try all six flavors at once, my grandfather got a piece of the Caramel Popcorn cookie lodged in his airway. We'll miss you Pappy Barclay." Two friends of the family were killed in a botched dough heist. "In addition to being dangerous in and of themselves, the cookies are driving good, ordinary people to do unimaginable things."
Marlene Kratz of Cedar Rapids, IA reports that her son Nathan sold her family's precious heirloom NFT to buy six boxes of this week's Minion Confetti flavor. "Our freezer is absolutely packed. It's not even one of their better flavors. He thinks he's going to make bank on the underground Crumbl marketplace." As Mrs. Kratz cried into her handmade Crumbl themed quilt, she reminisced. "I wish we could go back to the days of just throwing that little jerkoff a package of Hydrox and that would sate him. I guess it's my fault. How would I know I'd be leading him to this life?"
What is it about the indulgent desserts that have attracted more treatvangelists in a short time than the militant Mexican Pizza fans of Taco Bell and the wild-eyed Popeye's Chicken Sandwich aficionados the American public were introduced to throughout the pandemic? The answer may surprise you.
One ingredient you might not expect and isn't listed is pure, unadulterated cocaine. Because it is legal in America to abstain from disclosing 99% of ingredients under the guise of it being a "trade secret," Crumbl Cookies has managed to turn roughly 1% of Americans into rabid, unstoppable coke fiends. "It makes so much sense now," said a visibly shaking Andrea Carson of Brooklyn Park, MN. "I haven't felt this good since the 80s when I'd go skiing every weekend."
Much like the thriving CBD industry that got a boost from the 2018 Farm Bill passage, it is said that the duo behind the Crumbl Cookies empire are now seeking to begin lobbying for cocaine legalization. Not everyone thinks it's a good idea. Travis Mader of Peoria, IL says the crack cookie fad is damaging to farmers like himself. "My life is soybeans. I don't want to have the government subsidize our farms and have us growing coca plants. We're not even in the right region for that," Mader sighed. "Plus, have you ever had their chocolate chip cookies? They're awful. How do you have a cookie empire and not know how much baking powder to add to the mixing bowl? Lord."
As the Crumbl Cookie empire continues to expand rapidly – taking lives, soybeans and NFTs from previously happy homes – one thing can be sure: the crowds for next week's lineup are going to be even larger and the death toll will be higher.
