Magic: The Gathering eliminates land type in response to deforestation violations

Players were outraged Saturday morning as Wizards of the Coast announced the elimination of an entire basic land category in beloved trading card game Magic: The Gathering. The decision came after shocking reports were released earlier this week, showing the devastating impact nearly 30 years of tapping Forests has had on the environment.

Siblings Lara and DeQuan Ford of Manitoba began tracking the decline in biodiversity in 1994, shortly after the strategy game debuted. Their findings were quite literally earth shattering. "Tapping Forests destroys approximately $3 trillion worth of trees each year, – the impact of which displaces species, increases pollution, and perpetuates an overabundance of enchantments that have harmful consequences," reported DeQuan. "There have been improvements in recent years, but we all know green is the worst color anyway. It's time to preserve our lands and ban Forests from play."

For decades, Blue has been hailed as the most popular color for its impressive spell mastery and control over opponents. Islands remain protected and revered. Green was initially viewed a preferable color for newer players because of its straightforward, easily scalable play style. While players simply worried about securing a win, the Forests themselves took the brunt of the damage.

"We only have one turn at life – and while man uses this planet as a battleground day after day, fire scorching the earth, water flooding villages, wind eroding the face of our home, swamps left murky and undrained," lamented Lara, descending into weak sobs. "Once you've tapped a land, that's it. There's no coming back until next turn. Sure, there's always another turn, until we're dead. It's much easier to wait for rain. It takes decades to replace Forests, and we're not even beginning that work. The one natural resource we simply cannot compromise on is our Forests."

Mere hours after the reports broke, Magic: The Gathering players began casting green circles of protection around nearby Forests all across the globe. Even big name celebrities like Post Malone pitched in, offering temporary use of his recently acquired property, Castle Garenbrig, to strategize a giant growth effort.

The resistance to the card giant is palpable. Protestors gathered outside Wizards of the Coast HQ, burning reclamation sage to purify the area and singing Jethro Tull songs. Four hours into the Roots and Branches singalong, presumably because they couldn't take another minute of mediocre flute playing, a representative tweeted out news that a press conference would soon take place.

"Beginning July 1, 2022, the use of the basic land, Forest, will be banned from play in both Vintage and Modern. While we cannot undo the damage we have caused, we can certainly make better decisions and pretend that it never even existed in the first place. Despite our commitment to a better tomorrow, we are well aware of what impact this decision will have on our employees and their families. We have offered affected employees including Elves, Centaurs, Dryads, and Trolls – handsome severance packages and job placement assistance, while Catfolk, Elementals, Faeries, and Werewolves can either elect to take the packages or remain in their current positions," reported Wizards in an announcement made on Twitch. "It was not without significant consideration that we arrived at this most-advantageous solution. We also seek to rehome the abundance of creatures back into their ancestral homes and tranquil domains."

An unnamed source close to the controversy revealed that while the majority of employees agree with the decision, there's a small but growing faction who emphatically do not. "They're building black and blue decks because they want to make sure they hurt them and leave a bruise," said the source who wished to remain nameless. "I sure hope they've got a few Eternal Witnesses up their sleeves. This is going to be destructive."

Whether or not the aggressors are successful in their quest to continue the obliteration of Forests, one thing is certain: everyone can see the Forests for the trees.